My Son Didn’t Even Know I Had a Bathing Suit…

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My Son Didn’t Even Know I Had a Bathing Suit…

‘Mom’, he’d exclaimed, ‘you got a swimsuit!’ I hadn’t. I’ve had the same one for ten years. But had he ever seen me wear it? No, not often enough to remember.  I’ve been stuck on the sand while my family waded into the water for about the past 10 years, and that’s well past his 4 short years of life. I stood at the edge of the ocean with him, determined to get in for once. And that’s how we started the summer. Me, after all this time, finally in the water with my kids again.

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Why had it taken me so long? I could blame the responsibility of motherhood, which hangs heavy, no matter where I go. I could blame the sense of seriousness and stressfulness that punctuates my life watching kids run, and climb, slip and fall in any number of ways, on any number of days. I could blame exhaustion which, more often than not, keeps me plopped down on a blanket barely keeping my eyes open as I watch them play.  And, it’s all of those things. It’s any and every one those things.

But, it’s mostly my body. It’s mostly how I feel about my body. It’s mostly my fears about how other people feel about my body.

It’s hard to admit that in writing because, I’m embarrassed of my body in and of itself. AND it’s hard to admit that because, I’m also embarrassed that I’ve let how I feel about my body, and how I suspect other people feel about my body hold me back. I’m angry that I’ve been sitting on the sidelines because of my fear of what others might think of me. And I’m angry because I know I’m not wrong to expect judgment because I’m fat. Every woman, everywhere, knows her body is the subject of scrutiny no matter her size, but especially if she is sizable. And, right now, I am…

I share the rest of my story over on momrepublic, Milkmakers new podcast, now available on iTunes AND chat with Kara Bazzi of Opal: Food and Body Wisdom about body acceptance after baby.

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This post was written by Diana Cherry and originally appeared over on her blog, The Front Yard Frontier, wife and mother of 4, breastfeeding advocate, and Milkmakers editor.